Speed Kills!

Speed Kills!

I like to drive fast. What’s the point of getting anywhere if you can’t get there fast? Isn’t there some saying about the journey being the most important part of going somewhere? If this is true why does some nut have to tamper with how I get to wherever I’m going?

That’s what speed bumps do. Who puts those damnable things in the middle of the road, anyway? What right do they have as to how fast I wish to go in my super turbocharged Geo Metro DX ES XP Master’s Ltd Ed. 21,143 DOHC? Oops, can’t forget the wing—er, spoiler, that is.

Cops bother me, too. Just last night I had one in front and two in back of me. I guess they thought I was about to do something wrong. They probably have a special watch just for me. They probably talk about me all the time over their radios (at least I like to think I’m this popular) like I’m some kind of dope dealer they’re just waiting to bust when they finally catch me in the act.

Fortunately, there is an easy way to have fun with a smoky bear when he’s on your tail. The one thing they all love to do is drive fast. Have you ever noticed these hypocrites? They must all think they’re special or something—especially when they have those whirly-birds on their car roofs flashing and screaming.

Well, there’s something you can do about it! Drive slower. You know they hate it. And if you want to make things really interesting, do this when they have their flashy lights turned on.

I’m also not a fan of stoplights, so I don’t let them stop me. It’s not my fault if they turn red at all the wrong times. My otherwise beloved small town in Pennsylvania is not like other towns you’ve been in when if you time it right, you hit all the green lights consecutively. No, that would be too easy. Here, if you time it just right, you have to run all the red lights consecutively.

And we’re also not allowed to turn right on red (at least that’s what they think, tee hee hee). There’s even one intersection that is comprised of two one-way streets. The only way to have an accident by turning on red there is if another car is coming the wrong way up the one-way street.

The pedestrians are another thing altogether. Pedestrians have no respect for cars. I think it should be made legal if I bump off some old guy with a walker who was crossing where he shouldn’t have been—or even if he was crossing where he should have been, for that matter. Wouldn’t that just add more fun and excitement? Besides, streets were meant for vehicles, not people. Who do they think they are?

Perhaps I’m overreacting, but I doubt it. You see, if there were no laws restricting drivers from bumping off the occasional pedestrian—or even the often pedestrian—then people would watch more carefully. They wouldn’t be so disrespectful. Better still, it would put the speed bump makers out of business—what with the human speed bumps everywhere. And that would make any journey worth the while.