Just Say No!

Here is an article I had published in a school newspaper about six months ago.

Alright, here I go. I’m going in face first. I know it may be tough. But hey, I’m a man. I can take it. What I’m about to say may offend a few. It may offend a lot. Or maybe it won’t offend anyone at all—well, except maybe my pet llama who’s really hungry as I write this. Well anyway, here goes!

You know that whole thing that all sorts of people in all sorts of places have been talking about? You know that….umm….thing? Umm…well…you know what I’m talking about…don’t you? What? You don’t? Alright..well...maybe you don’t. GAY MARRIAGE! There, I said it. Whew, that actually didn’t hurt much. I suppose to please my editor though, I have to say a little more than that. Alright, well, here goes: I’m not an advocate of same-sex marriage. In fact, I really don’t like it, umm…even a little bit. For the reasons why I’m not a fan, please refer to my website at www.spineless.com. Well…on second thought, maybe I should just tell you. Besides, if you go to my website you’ll see that it’s not actually mine—it’s my sister’s. Oops! I forgot I don’t have a sister. Truth be known, I don’t like same-sex marriage very much because, well, it’s different, you know. Oh come on now, you know it is! How can you not know something is a little strange about the idea of one man marrying another or two women marrying each other? I know, I know, it’s also strange that for every marriage there are 3,536 divorces all across the Fruited Plain, but you’re not going to trick me into changing the subject now that I’m on a roll.

WARNING: The next few things I’m about to say may be unsuitable for the faint of heart, so I would advise those who are to read and reread the following paragraph at least 50 times to get your heart back into shape. (Note: out of the fear of my expert opinion being incorrect I have not consulted with your cardiologist).

There are a few perks that come with marriage. First of all, it’s nice to have someone always there to take care of your every need—say, for instance, someone to squeeze your pimples. Another benefit is sex (just because I rank them in this order doesn’t mean you have to). Speaking of sex (here’s the part I warned you about), when a man and a woman put their bodies together and…well…you know…do that thing they do, there is a sort of, well…a natural fit. Something akin to picking one’s nose. I think God knew what he was doing when he created the finger of man—and woman—at just the right size to get the job done (he did a particularly excellent job in my case). But in any event, if you put two men together in the holy order of patrimony—oops, I mean matrimony—the second greatest benefit of marriage (sex, remember?) becomes, well, somehow changed. It’s like the parts don’t fit. Now, since I’ve never actually tried it myself I can’t be absolutely sure, but I have a pretty good idea of how men might try to make it fit. Unfortunately, however, due to spatial constraints (I am limited to only 30,000 words here), I can only express to the men with same-sex attraction that I’m concerned that you may poke out an eyeball should you attempt to pick your nose. Unfortunately, for the females who are attracted to other women, I’m afraid you’ll never be able to pick your nose at all (figuratively speaking, that is) unless you—well, nevermind…

There is, of course, much more that can be said about same-sex marriage. Much has already been said by those in favor and by those who oppose it. Personally, yes, I think it is wrong. However, if, like me, you’re more interested in a personally handcrafted pimple squeeze every now and then than you are in sex, I say what the heck, take a walk down the Aisle with that man, woman, or llama of your dreams. Just remember, llamas are easily offended.